You Big Cry Baby!!!

More reviews coming soon stop being such a cry baby!!

Bourne Ultimatum

Let’s just start of like this: The Bourne Ultimatum (BU) was much better than The Bourne Supremacy (BS). It however was not better than the Bourne Identity (BI). Now that being said I would like to take a few moments to address the director of this movie… uh hum… here it goes: Some one in post production should have mentioned to you that the hand held camera, super close up running and jerking all over the place shooting of this movie that lasted 10 minutes at a crack is FUCKING ANNOYING!! Hey jerk-off if you film like that; try only using it for effect and not as an overall technique. When you make the audience PUKE it takes away from the overall experience. Its filming felt a lot like the opening credits of Seven. It was very jerky, really quick cuts to slightly different angles, a little static-ee/ grainy; and it really detracted from the movie. Very distracting. It was one of those things that I had to go home and re-watch BI to see if I had had a stroke in the last few years that I was unaware of that I might have forgot all of the cool hand held camera work from the original. As it turns out not so much; they had used a little bit kind of as a devise to obtain a feel (very cool concept) or set a mood inside of the movie. I am sorry for ranting on this but it was very distracting. You know eff that; all of that hand cam bunk really took away from a movie that was pretty darn good otherwise. Paul Greengrass take a note: there was too much hand cam stuff in the Supremacy and you doubled it in Ultimatum; watch Doug Liman’s version and learn how to punctuate not litter.

Okay I think I extracted that demon. The rest of the movie was really pretty darn good. The story was much more complete that BS and easier to follow and as an even better bonus it made sense. Frankly I am a big fan of just make sense. You can twist and turn and even throw in a full on curve ball from time to time but at the end have it all come together and make sense. This movie did all of those things and was able to have a really great feel of symmetry with the original movie. It tied up enough loose ends so that if you closed down the franchise right now It would feel very complete and satisfying. But, if they decided to continue you would not be upset by that either.

A couple of good things in this sucker:

Picking up right where BS left off (very good)
Julia Stiles was hot (Me-yow)
Gritty very real locations (spending the extra dough to shoot it Spain, Tangiers... worth it!)

Matt Damon was smoken hot (my wife made me put that in)
Very real feeling counter-surveillance
Great fight in a bathroom

Beating someone to death with a hard cover book [(yes please) go to web site, go to media and select #6]
Super foot chase
Wicked sweet motorcycle chase
Totally awesome car chase (are you sensing a chase theme)

Julia Stiles new short hair cut HOT (my wife even thought that was hot... gigity gig)
Amazing disregard for the well being of a NY city police car (go to the web site, go to media, select #8)
Real NY city resident reaction to car chase (hey you see that freaking car go flying through the air… lets get a bagel)

Did I mention Julia Stiles
http://www.thebourneultimatum.com/

I already discussed the bad from this so… out of a six pack I would give it a 4 beers

Superbad: Super Hysterical

In spite of the most dick jokes ever or maybe because of them Superbad was Super Hysterical!! Jonah Hill (Seth), Michael Cera (Evan) and Christopher Mintz-Please (Fogell / McLoven) gave some really terrific performances as three intrepid high school students trying to fit in, party and to get laid. Seth Rogen (Officer Michaels) could very well be one of the funniest humans alive right now. He plays along with Bill Hader two of the weirdest, lamest, coolest cops on the history of cinema.

Superbad was worth the $20 you gonna pay to see it or, the $40 you’ll spend if you take a date. $20 you say $40 you say what theater you are seeing movies at dip shit…. (Screw you). You will spend that much because you will have to see this movie twice to pick up the other half of the movie you laugh over. It was pee your pants funny in parts; it was totally uncomfortable funny all the way through and, best of all it had real heart. The high school kids in this movie were kids (not bullshit 25 y.o.+ kids like in American Pie [which was funny too]) but, kids. They were the kids we went to school with; they were the kids we were and the kids we related to. Especially with all of the talk/dialog about booze, chicks, getting laid and oddly enough their dick and their buddies dick and all sorts of other body parts.

Just a few lines and scenes to whet you whistle:

• "I had a pirate’s treasure of dick booty in that Ghost Busters lunch box…
• "Take that fucking thing off you look like Aladdin…
• Laundry detergent bottles full of beer
• "My ex-wife opened me up… sexually. On our wedding night we had group sex; well shed did. I didn’t participate…
• Burning a cop car to the ground with the cops watching
• "I am McLoven"
  

I think in some way we are all McLoven

Run see this movie. The trailer isn’t even funny in comparison to the actual movie. One hint wear depends. One disclaimer it is a bit gross in parts but my wife laughed her ass off the entire movie so, don’t be afraid to take the old lady or your girl friend if the old lady won’t find out!

Out of a six pack I would give this a solid 5 beers! CHICKA-CHICKA YEA

300- The Story of Hardcore Bad Asses Killing Persians

If you don't see this movie you have never had any contact with any sort of testosterone in your entire life. Seriously; this movie rocks so hard that it make Braveheart (one of my all time favorites) look like a book club meeting with a Brownie troop. It is so freaking hard core it starts with the good guys throwing babies off of a cliff... There OWN babies. Starting to see the picture?

Okay let’s get the junk out of the way. This is a movie about 300 Spartan who stood against the epic armies of the Persian empire (apparently the Iranians are all up in arms about this because it portrays them as heartless, killing machines that fight for a false god; and would rather destroy your society rather than let it not believe the same way as them. I guess I can see why they would be so out of joint about that it is really off base... Oh wait that pretty much describes them to a tee. So fuck them) in an abject lesson to the Persians and to the armies of Greece that some things are worth dyeing for. This movie has something for everyone. There is:

1. Romance
2. Love
3. Sex
4. Intrigue
5. Betrayal
6. Drugged out teen age girls who are sex slaves to freaky gimps
7. Armor platted rhinos
8. Enough arrows to literally block out he sun
9. Gutting a political leader
10. Consented Rape (that doesn't make sense until you see it then..)
11. Gay Iranians
12. Really, really gay Iranians

The list goes on and on but suffice to say the only thing this movie is missing is space ships and frankly they didn't really need them in the end.


Now I would like to preface this by saying "I don't want to sound like a queer or something... BUT those Spartans were totally freaking ripped." Seriously I looked at those guys and all I wanted to do was wash my clothes on those adds. These guys were ripped beyond belief. Not body builder ripped but hard core work ripped like all guys would like to be and all woman want to get there hands on. No joke I went with my lesbian friend Kim and the first thing she said during the movie to me was "I’d fuck that guy and that guy and that guy....". Seriously these guys had to work out for four months to get this ripped; check out their work out regiment: http://joshsgarage.typepad.com/articles/2006/11/frank_miller_mo.html
The last thing I'll say on this subject is this... if I had to work that hard to look that buff (and you do) I will always be a doughy middle aged married guy who would rather walk to the fridge than run anywhere.


The style of the movie is totally cool; dark and dreamy and right off of the pages of the comic book (sorry geeks "Graphic Novel"). The action was so freaking cool and fresh it was like the first time you saw Matrix. It was filmed with that ultra high-speed film so you see every grain of sand and every drop of blood. Okay I got to it BLOOD. This movie was bathed in it. It was born from it and it freaking rocks. Don't be afraid of it. Enjoy it for what it is. If you are scared buy a dog.

If it sounds like I am in love with this movie... I am. If you don't fall in love with this movie you are obviously one of those art Nuevo guys who drinks vanilla latte's and enjoys Jerry Lewis movies; that's right you are French.


RUN SEE THIS MOVIE
Out of a Six pack I give it a case!!

MI3 (Tom Cruise is still a Fag Butt...)

The Latest installment in the Mission Impossible series is a 5 star (*****) go see this mother, movie. Seriously; if you are still reading this you are fucking nuts! I had some pretty major reservations about seeing this movie; especially after the MI 2 John Woo disaster and near destruction of this fun summer time franchise.

Real quick note on John Woo: What the fuck is with Woo? Okay; Replacement Killers was totally harsh and kick ass with a story that you could actually follow. Loved Replacements Killers! Then Came a series of shit ass crap over dramatic almost cartoon like crap monkeys, Face Off, Hard Target, Broken Arrow, MI2, Wind Talkers. The one thread through these movies besides the high suck factor, the totally un-understandable plot, the seemingly endless nonsescicle slow motion shots, and hero's that were totally unlike-able, were doves/pigeons There is always one moment in these piece of monkey mung movies where there is someone walking through shadows into a flock of doves/pigeons in SLOW MOTION!! I 100% believe that extended slow motions scenes are the tools of a SLOW minded director. How many slow MO moments were there in Raiders of the Lost Arc, Star Wars, Jaws, Starship Troopers..... Maybe 1 total. Get it? Think that is a coincidence. One set of movies sucks, one are all time classics. The funniest part of this is that John Woo only consulted on Replacement Killers. So basically if you want to see a shitty movie, Make sure you see a John Woo movie.

Now back to MI3..... So Tom Cruise is a total MO; or am I just high. See I believe that you watch movies based on how much you like the people in them and, I think Cruise is a total MO. That being said he rocks this movie. Even though whenever he is kissing a woman you can just tell he is pretty uncomfortable. You can tell he is thinking about the happy place (snuggled up with hot coco and his boy friend Pablo) Anyway he does rock this movie and even though he is a MO and has become totally bazaar he blew up my; you like him you watch him; theory. So do you think his wings make him look gay or is it his car? I can't decide, please let me know.

Bahar Smooekh is one totally hot piece of ass in this movie. I know she is coming out in at least two new movies SAW 3 and The Prince of Persia..... They sound like total suck feasts but I figure that if I wear my head-phones and don't wear any pants I should be great. (okay that was a little bit well.... Let's just drop that okay?!?)

Anyway the movie was awesome. The action was great. They had no issue with killing anyone, but the violence was a bit subdued. The stunts were great but there was only one scene that really felt like a stunt; if you know what I mean? So the suspension of disbelief was rocking the entire movie (except that Tom is into pussy). It was so intense that my feet were sweating like crazy by the end of the movie. I'm not sure what that means (maybe I want to make out with Tom or maybe the action was just that intense, either way..).

So to sum up go see this movie. Now! SERIOUSLY RUN RIGHT GOSH DARN NOW!!!!

I paid my money; I did my time... Or How King Kong (and Peter Jackson) fucked up a perfectly good weekend!

So Maybe my blog title was too discriptive please continue read anyway; because usually when I get this worked up good things come of it.

Okay here it goes... My wife my good friend Kimmy and I had been talking about King Kong since we had first seen the trailer during one of our many movie outings. Let me say this we were a bit leery but, Peter Jackson had a lot of credit in the bank. The LOTR trilogy really is a high water point in Cinema. The movies were a little long but there was so much material to cover that we even had a Sunday marathon (okay a mega marathon) of all three extended versions of those movies. I admit that I have not watched any of the three of these again for over a year now. Maybe the bank was closing on that good will over a year ago after all. Where was I oh yeah trying to review a 3 1/2 week long monkey movie. I guess rambling is contagious. I guess that I have become a as bad of a monkey as King Kong sucked.

Okay lets get this ball rolling. I am gonna bullet point some things to make this more short and concise and easier to read and funnier and faster and (fuck see what I mean. That shit just seeps into you. Damn you PETER JACKSON)

King Kong Bullet Points

1. We all know the King Kong story. We could have skipped to Skull Island.
2. Peter Jackson decided to have 40 minutes in New York BEFORE THEY FUCKING LEFT to the Island
3. Was Fay Rey going to be a stripper? (did I miss something)
4. Did they have another 25 minutes on the boat on the way to the island? (okay dramatic license)
5. Slow motion privileges should be here by taken a way from Peter Jackson until further notice. (subtract slow-mo the movie was 98 minutes; which is still 13 minutes too long)
6. Didn't we know this story before it started? (he didn't even add anything about King Kong mother or Queen Kong)
7. Peter Jackson loves black people (not brown BLACK) like shoe polish black. Like ole' coal mammy BLACK
8. Random total violence seems to not be the answer to save a LOOOONG movie
9. Monkey was very cool very um... Monkey like
10. 15 minute Fred Flinstone run/chase under the legs of mastodons. 3 minutes cool -15 minutes... Are we still running with dinosaurs? Really?
11. Disgusting bugs and shooting them with machine guns... Good. 10 minute long totally word-less bug fight with giant toothy vagina bugs... Not so good
12. T-Rex fight... Daddy like. Three T-Rex, 20 minute long bloodless monkey/lizard fight daddy confused and tired. Shouldn't a T-Rex bite wound on a 25 foot ape just rain blood. Did I miss something at ape medical class or in anthropology school. Isn't the T-Rex supposed to have the most devastating bights ever. Maybe a drop of blood on a mostly white nighty maybe.
13. We are now only 100 minutes into this epic struggle of monkey vs. Sanity.
14. juggling makes monkey laugh. 20 minute vaudeville act makes monkey sad
15. Did I mention slow mo
16. Capture Monkey takes Nearly Three Weeks (Film at eleven and the Wednesday the week after next.) In related news this three week monkey action takes only an hour and a half in some sort of strange Skull Island time warp... More to follow
17. Thank god not one minute of our intrepid voyagers on the return boat ride.
18. Action in New York moves very good kinda like a real action movie with giant monkey
19. Since when is Adrien Brody a hot dude. I would like to officially call Bull Shit. There is nothing symmetrical on his face he is scrawny. Nope full on Bull Shit.
20. Naomi Watts is hot but, a monkey whore. Look at that; I just blew a monkey; look on her face. Total monkey slut.
21. Monkey vs. Airplane. Monkey 3 airplanes 1. This is not a draw some planes flew home no monkeys did.
22. Jack Black is manic, funny exhausting and pretty good in a pseudo dramatic role.
23. Movie finally ends with tragic death of my faith in Peter Jackson 3 hours 7 minutes later.

Just a little advice to Peter Jackson:

• Just because you can make a 3 hour long movie doesn't mean you have to. The original movie was 1 hour 40 minutes. The restored was 1 hour 44 minutes where on earth did you get an extra 90 minutes?
• Don't ever listen to James Cameron that ass hole has flat lost his mind since he won his Oscar. So If you are looking for advise don't talk to him he will make you think it's okay to make a 3 hour Monkey movie. (smug as James Cameron; king of the world dick... Oh we get it the boat sinks blah, blah, blah)
• Savages in black face went out in the thirties

Heed my warning Peter Jackson. Make good movies and only 3 hours long if the material requires it to be 3 hours. DON"T MAKE UP REASONS TO HAVE 3 HOUR MOVIES!

The Lion, The Witch and who gives a shit!

I am a lover of movies and I generally enjoy about 80% of the movies that I go and see. That might even be a little conservative. I find a little something good in most of the movies I see. I might not go see them again but immediately after I see a movie I usually have a decent reaction. Well; let me tell you about The Lion, The Witch and the who gives a flying crapper. The first thing that came to mind was this movie is about 5 years too late. Had it come out before the Lord of the Ring trilogy It might have been pretty fresh and cool. Well; maybe that is overstating. My wife is telling me it would have been cool had it come out before but now you can't help but to compare it to LOR (thanks for the input honey). BUT had it come out before the LOR movies it still would have had a 1 hour and 20 minute lull in the middle of the movie that would have been a great time for a nap.

(What is making this an extra fun experience writing this review tonight is having my wife sitting here reading over my shoulder and correcting spelling, grammar and context for me while I write. If you have not had this experience I highly recommend it. Nothing is better for your soul than that. Thanks honey.)

Now where the fuck was I.... Oh yea anyway The Lion, the ...... (the saga with my wife continues even after she sat here and read my mini diatribe on her help. Now she is threatening me with biting off my fingers if I don't stop writing about her. Marage rocks. HUGE) now what was I writing about oh ponies. Right; now, ponies are really cool. I had one named Snowball once. It was really great. So basically don't go see the stupid movie no matter how much Jesus might want you to. Stay home and write something with your wife instead.