I paid my money; I did my time... Or How King Kong (and Peter Jackson) fucked up a perfectly good weekend!

So Maybe my blog title was too discriptive please continue read anyway; because usually when I get this worked up good things come of it.

Okay here it goes... My wife my good friend Kimmy and I had been talking about King Kong since we had first seen the trailer during one of our many movie outings. Let me say this we were a bit leery but, Peter Jackson had a lot of credit in the bank. The LOTR trilogy really is a high water point in Cinema. The movies were a little long but there was so much material to cover that we even had a Sunday marathon (okay a mega marathon) of all three extended versions of those movies. I admit that I have not watched any of the three of these again for over a year now. Maybe the bank was closing on that good will over a year ago after all. Where was I oh yeah trying to review a 3 1/2 week long monkey movie. I guess rambling is contagious. I guess that I have become a as bad of a monkey as King Kong sucked.

Okay lets get this ball rolling. I am gonna bullet point some things to make this more short and concise and easier to read and funnier and faster and (fuck see what I mean. That shit just seeps into you. Damn you PETER JACKSON)

King Kong Bullet Points

1. We all know the King Kong story. We could have skipped to Skull Island.
2. Peter Jackson decided to have 40 minutes in New York BEFORE THEY FUCKING LEFT to the Island
3. Was Fay Rey going to be a stripper? (did I miss something)
4. Did they have another 25 minutes on the boat on the way to the island? (okay dramatic license)
5. Slow motion privileges should be here by taken a way from Peter Jackson until further notice. (subtract slow-mo the movie was 98 minutes; which is still 13 minutes too long)
6. Didn't we know this story before it started? (he didn't even add anything about King Kong mother or Queen Kong)
7. Peter Jackson loves black people (not brown BLACK) like shoe polish black. Like ole' coal mammy BLACK
8. Random total violence seems to not be the answer to save a LOOOONG movie
9. Monkey was very cool very um... Monkey like
10. 15 minute Fred Flinstone run/chase under the legs of mastodons. 3 minutes cool -15 minutes... Are we still running with dinosaurs? Really?
11. Disgusting bugs and shooting them with machine guns... Good. 10 minute long totally word-less bug fight with giant toothy vagina bugs... Not so good
12. T-Rex fight... Daddy like. Three T-Rex, 20 minute long bloodless monkey/lizard fight daddy confused and tired. Shouldn't a T-Rex bite wound on a 25 foot ape just rain blood. Did I miss something at ape medical class or in anthropology school. Isn't the T-Rex supposed to have the most devastating bights ever. Maybe a drop of blood on a mostly white nighty maybe.
13. We are now only 100 minutes into this epic struggle of monkey vs. Sanity.
14. juggling makes monkey laugh. 20 minute vaudeville act makes monkey sad
15. Did I mention slow mo
16. Capture Monkey takes Nearly Three Weeks (Film at eleven and the Wednesday the week after next.) In related news this three week monkey action takes only an hour and a half in some sort of strange Skull Island time warp... More to follow
17. Thank god not one minute of our intrepid voyagers on the return boat ride.
18. Action in New York moves very good kinda like a real action movie with giant monkey
19. Since when is Adrien Brody a hot dude. I would like to officially call Bull Shit. There is nothing symmetrical on his face he is scrawny. Nope full on Bull Shit.
20. Naomi Watts is hot but, a monkey whore. Look at that; I just blew a monkey; look on her face. Total monkey slut.
21. Monkey vs. Airplane. Monkey 3 airplanes 1. This is not a draw some planes flew home no monkeys did.
22. Jack Black is manic, funny exhausting and pretty good in a pseudo dramatic role.
23. Movie finally ends with tragic death of my faith in Peter Jackson 3 hours 7 minutes later.

Just a little advice to Peter Jackson:

• Just because you can make a 3 hour long movie doesn't mean you have to. The original movie was 1 hour 40 minutes. The restored was 1 hour 44 minutes where on earth did you get an extra 90 minutes?
• Don't ever listen to James Cameron that ass hole has flat lost his mind since he won his Oscar. So If you are looking for advise don't talk to him he will make you think it's okay to make a 3 hour Monkey movie. (smug as James Cameron; king of the world dick... Oh we get it the boat sinks blah, blah, blah)
• Savages in black face went out in the thirties

Heed my warning Peter Jackson. Make good movies and only 3 hours long if the material requires it to be 3 hours. DON"T MAKE UP REASONS TO HAVE 3 HOUR MOVIES!